02.03.001 In 1842 I constantly attended the Second Advent meetings in Portland, and fully believed the Lord was coming.

02.03.002 I was hungering and thirsting for holiness of heart; day and night it was my study how to obtain this treasure that all the riches of the world could not purchase.

02.03.003 And while bowed before the Lord, praying for this blessing, the duty to pray in a prayer-meeting was presented before me.

02.03.004 I had never prayed vocally, and was not humble enough to do this, fearing that if I should attempt to pray, I should become confused and be obliged to stop, or my prayer be very broken.

02.03.005 Every time I went before the Lord in secret prayer this unfulfilled duty presented itself, until I ceased to pray, for in this state of mind my prayers seemed like mocking God.

02.03.006 I settled down in a melancholy state which increased to deep despair.

02.03.007 In this state of mind I remained three weeks, with not one ray of light to pierce the thick clouds of darkness around me.

02.03.008 My sufferings were very great.

02.03.009 How precious did the hope of the christian look to me then.

02.03.0010 And how wretched the state of the sinner without God or hope in the world.

02.03.0011 I remained bowed before the Lord nearly all night, groaning, and all I had any confidence to utter was, "Lord, have mercy."

02.03.0012 Such utter hopelessness would seize me that I would fall upon my face with such agony of feelings as cannot be described.

02.03.0013 Like the poor publican, I dared not so much as lift my eyes toward heaven.

02.03.0014 I became much reduced in flesh.

02.03.0015 My friends looked upon me as one sinking in a decline.

02.03.0016 At length a dream was given me which sunk me still lower in despair, if possible.

02.03.0017 I dreamed that there was a temple to which many people were flocking, and all who would be saved when time should close must be within that temple.

02.03.0018 And all who were outside the temple would be lost.

02.03.0019 As I looked upon the people going to the temple, I saw the multitude laughing at and deriding them, telling them that it was all a deception.

02.03.0020 They even caught hold of some who were hastening to the temple and tried to hold them.

02.03.0021 I was afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed, and thought I would wait until the multitude were dispersed, or until I could go in some way that they would not know where I was going.

02.03.0022 My mind was troubled lest I should be too late, and the multitude was increasing instead of lessening.

02.03.0023 I hastily left my home and pressed through the crowd.

02.03.0024 I was in such haste that I did not notice the throng.

02.03.0025 I feared I was too late.

02.03.0026 I entered the building, and what a sight met my eyes!

02.03.0027 The temple was supported by one immense pillar, and to this pillar was a lamb tied, all mangled and bleeding.

02.03.0028 I thought that we all knew that it was our sins that caused this lamb to be thus torn and bruised.

02.03.0029 Just before this lamb were seats elevated above the level of the floor, and a company of people were sitting there looking very happy.

02.03.0030 All who entered the temple must come before the lamb and confess their sins, and then take their place among the happy throng who occupied the elevated seats.

02.03.0031 Even while in the building a fear came over me and shame to have them all looking upon me.

02.03.0032 I was slowly making my way around the pillar to face the lamb, when the trumpet sounded, and the building shook, and shouts of triumph went up from the saints in that building.

02.03.0033 The temple seemed to shine with awful brightness, and then all was dark, terrible dark.

02.03.0034 Those who had seemed so happy were gone, and I left alone in the place in complete darkness.

02.03.0035 The horror of my mind could not be described.

02.03.0036 I awoke, and it was some time before I could convince myself it was not a reality.

02.03.0037 Surely, thought I, my doom is fixed, I have slighted mercy, and grieved the Spirit of the Lord away, never more to return.

02.03.0038 In a short time I had another dream.

02.03.0039 I thought I was sitting in deep despair, with my face covered with my hands, with reflections like these: If Jesus were upon earth, I would go to him, and throw myself at his feet, and tell him all my sufferings. And if he would have mercy upon me, I would love him always --he would not turn me away.

02.03.0040 Soon the door opened, and a person of beautiful form and countenance entered. He looked upon me with pity.

02.03.0041 Said he, "Do you wish to see Jesus?

02.03.0042 He is in the place, and you can see him.

02.03.0043 Take everything that you possess and follow me."

02.03.0044 Gladly did I gather up everything, every treasured trinket, and followed him who had given me the pleasing information.

02.03.0045 He led me to a steep, and it looked like a frail stairway.

02.03.0046 As I commenced to ascend the stairs, he gave me a word of caution, to keep my eyes fixed upwards, for if I looked down I should become dizzy and fall.

02.03.0047 Many seemed to be climbing up this steep stairway, and some fell before reaching the top.

02.03.0048 I succeeded in climbing to the top. Then my guide bid me lay everything at the door.

02.03.0049 Cheerfully I laid down all I possessed.

02.03.0050 He then opened the door and told me to go in.

02.03.0051 As I entered I saw Jesus, so lovely and beautiful.

02.03.0052 His countenance expressed benevolence and majesty.

02.03.0053 I tried to shield myself from his piercing gaze.

02.03.0054 I thought he knew my heart, and every circumstance of my life.

02.03.0055 I tried not to look upon his face, but still his eyes were upon me.

02.03.0056 I could not escape his gaze.

02.03.0057 He then, with a smile, drew near me, and laid his hand upon my head, saying, "Fear not."

02.03.0058 The sound of his sweet voice, caused me to feel a thrill of happiness I never before experienced.

02.03.0059 I was too full of joy to utter a word.

02.03.0060 I grew weak, and fell prostrate at his feet.

02.03.0061 And while lying helpless, scenes of glory and beauty passed before me.

02.03.0062 I thought I was saved in heaven.

02.03.0063 At length my strength returned.

02.03.0064 I arose upon my feet.

02.03.0065 The loving eyes of Jesus were fixed upon me still, and he smiled upon me.

02.03.0066 His presence filled me with such holy awe that I could not endure it.

02.03.0067 My guide opened the door and I passed out.

02.03.0068 Then all things I had left at the door he handed me again.

02.03.0069 And he also handed me a green cord, coiled up, and he bid me wear it next my heart, and when I wished to see Jesus, to stretch this cord.

02.03.0070 I must not let it lie still any length of time; for if I should, it would become knotted and difficult to straighten.

02.03.0071 I placed the cord near my heart, and joyfully went down the narrow stairway, praising the Lord as I went, and telling all I met where they could find Jesus.

02.03.0072 I then awoke.

02.03.0073 This dream gave me a faint hope in my despair.

02.03.0074 That green cord represented faith. I then opened my mind to my mother.

02.03.0075 She advised me to go and see Bro. Stockman, who then preached to the Advent people in Portland.

02.03.0076 I had great confidence in him, for he was a devoted and beloved servant of Christ.

02.03.0077 His words affected me and led me to hope.

02.03.0078 I returned home, and again went before the Lord, and promised that I would do and suffer anything if I could have the smiles of Jesus.

02.03.0079 The same duty was presented.

02.03.0080 There was to be a prayer-meeting that evening which I attended, and when others knelt to pray, I bowed with them trembling, and after two or three had prayed, I opened my mouth in prayer before I was aware of it.

02.03.0081 And the promises of God looked to me like so many precious pearls that were to be received only by asking for them.

02.03.0082 As I prayed the burden and agony of soul that I had so long felt left me, and the blessing of God came upon me like the gentle dew, and I gave glory to God for what I felt.

02.03.0083 Everything was shut out from me but Jesus and glory, and I knew nothing of what was passing around me.

02.03.0084 I remained in this state a long time, and when I realized what was around me, everything looked glorious and new, as if smiling and praising God.

02.03.0085 I was then willing to confess Jesus everywhere, and seemed to be shut in with God.

02.03.0086 I went to the hall where the Advent people worshiped, and there related what the Lord had done for me, and with tears of gratitude declared the wondrous love of God.

02.03.0087 Bro. Stockman was present. He had recently seen me in deep despair, and as he now saw

02.03.0088 my captivity turned, he wept aloud, and rejoiced with me.

02.03.0089 I also related my experience in the Christian meeting house in Portland.

02.03.0090 The sacrifice that Christ had made to save me from sin and death, looked very great.

02.03.0091 I could not dwell upon it without weeping.

02.03.0092 I could then praise God for my misfortune.

02.03.0093 I was naturally proud and ambitious, and fear that I never should have given my heart to the Lord if I had not been afflicted.

02.03.0094 For six months not a cloud of darkness passed over my mind.